Wednesday, December 16, 2009

A very long post about why I will never again pray for help on handling my overwhelming life

A note:  It has recently been brought to my attention that someone, who shall remain nameless, read this and interpreted it to mean that I am depressed. I am not depressed. That's sweet of her to be concerned.  But there's a big difference between overwhelming temporary circumstances and depression. I am happy.  Truly I am.  And so is Danny.  We don't go through an entire day not having experienced many moments of happiness and thanking Heavenly Father for our many MANY blessings. I thank you all for your kind words and comments. The blog is such a fantastic form of therapy. Just like in olden days (haha) when women needed to talk to other women and feel better, I can do that now with the blog as well. Blessings to you all!

On Friday, December 18th, the twins will be four months old.  Monday I was agonizing over the exhausting process it is to feed them.  I pump because they cannot nurse.  Three-quarters of their feedings are breastmilk with the remaining one-fourth being formula.  I feel guilty that I am not providing 100% of their food.  I maintain hope that after their initial surgery to correct the posterior tongue-tie (originally scheduled for November 2nd and post-poned due to Swine Flu) that they will show promise and improved nursing skill.  But they have absolutely no desire to nurse.  And the odds are not stacked in their favor with the tongue-tie and the tight jaws. 

So regularly I agonize and re-evaluate how much longer I am willing to let my house go to pot and the other children watch hours of Blue's Clues every day while the oldest two are in *gasp* public school.  (They are actually doing quite well and I think it was the right choice given our circumstances.)  Anyways, can I make it at least one more week?  Could I make it to five months?  What about six months?  If I make it to six months then they will be starting solid foods.  If I quit, will I feel horribly guilty and cry for a year?  Or will my hormones chill and finally level out and I regain a wee bit of sanity? 

Blah.  Blah.  Blah.

So I reasoned that I could at least go another week until their surgery that is scheduled for the 21st.  Then I'd give it a week after that to heal.  And then an additional week for them to at least show interest in learning to nurse. 

But now, we are sick again.  And so the surgery must be post-poned.  Again. 

Just when I thought that perhaps these sniffles and colds would go away, my oldest comes down with pinworms.  ew.  EW. 

So I'm thinking, my Heavenly Father has a sense of humor and is helping me see how "easy" my life was before pinworms.  I'm thinking all this as I chuckle washing the 11th load of laundry on hot water, vacuuming everything in between buzzers and sanitizing all hard surfaces as well, reading up on the "condition" as I pump and feeling fully violated for doing so.

Ahh.  Kids finally settle into bed, I have a loaf of Italian French bread baking in the bread machine (something I do about once a year) the twins are taking turns being fed, burped, cuddled, while I talk to my older sister, Leslie, about very cool goals for the New Year.   

Then I heard a whimper.  I sneak into the three older boys' room to check it out.  It's Hammie.  He's not coherent and he's fussing trying to cover himself up again.  I cover him up and realize he's radiating heat through his blanket.  I grab the Motrin and the syringe and the thermometer.  I dose him and then check his temp.  104.4.  I'm a little panicked at this point.  I write it down and decide to check again in half an hour.  Then I check Bun's temp.  105.9.  I call Danny at work and babble on about Bun's brain burning up and such stuff.  He tells me to dose him too and to call the on-call doctor.  I dose Bun and check Gabbers temp.  104.9.  I dose her as well.  Her cheeks are rosy pink and so are her lips.  She begs for a drink of water sounding like she's going to burst into tears.  I get her water and Danny calls back.  I haven't called the doc yet.  Danny says he's on the way home.  I call the doctor and he says, "Get them to the ER immediately!"

Ugh.  I pivot on my left foot for about a minute before my brain kicks into gear and I decide what I need to do. 

I end up taking three high-fevered children to the ER at midnight with their favorite blankies.  I chuckle on the way there.  Pumping every two hours until the twins are six months old will be cake without Swine Flu, Pinworms, and freakishly high fevers in the middle of the night causing ER runs. 


Marcy said...

Oh Nikki. I feel for you. Praying for you. Keep up that great work of taking care of your kids. My dad always tells me we'll feel the benefits of all our work as mothers eventually.

FluffyChicky said...

Holy cow lady! Hugs and prayers for you!

Leslie said...

oh no! That's terrible that the kids got so sick and you had to go to the ER (on top of the other stressful things). I hope they are feeling much better today and I'll wait to call you until hopefully you all have some sleep under your belt.

You have such a good perspective about how when things get worse, it makes us realize that things weren't so bad before. Kind of like when I read your blog I realize that trials are very small indeed. I'll be praying for all your kids today.

Neighbor Jane Payne said...

Youch Nikki. You've got a full day, week, month.

Feywriter said...

Ack! So sad to hear what you and the kids are going through. Praying everyone feels better soon. *hugs*

Lora Lynn @ Vitafamiliae said...

Oh. my. Hugs, friend.

A. said...

Oh wow! I think you've had your share (and then some!) of the sickies. I pray this is IT for a long stretch.

Did you find out what the fevers were from, or was it just random fevers?

Please, please don't feel guilty about feeding the twins the way you are. You are going leaps and bounds beyond what many would, even just by pumping. Pumping for one is hard work and takes alot of commitment...and you are doing it for 2!! You also have to really keep in mind their tongue tie and tight jaws. There is nothing you can do to change the challenges of them nursing with those stumbling blocks. If they pick up nursing after surgery, fabulous! If not, then consider yourself a champ already. You're doing a wonderful job mama!

JoMamma said...

Then we go and throw the holidays on top of everything else. You are amazing. I hope your kids are feeling better. You are doing an amazing job. Hang in there.

That Girl said...

Yeah. This isn't depression. This is LIFE.

This too shall pass.

(Now you may hit me.)

Susan said...

Oh goodness Nikki!! Here's to you having just ONE thing to deal with at a time! Ugh!!

Thoughts and prayers for you and your family....

Lisa said...

I so wish I could be close enough to help. I hope you ask for the help you need and accept it when it is offered. Heavenly father never gives us more than we can handle. Even on the days that we are quite certain he HAS given us us too much. Sometimes other people need to have the opportunity to serve as well.

Melony said...

Nikki- my heart goes out to you. I remember it all too well. It's hard, and it's draining and sometimes it really totally sucks and you can't think what you did yesterday, much less last week. But I'm here to tell you, somehow you'll make it through and you'll listen to your 4.5 year old twins playing down the hallway in their room and think man, that was hard but wow - letting them go to Kindergarten next year might just be harder!You'll make it and if you have to give them formula don't sweat it! I nursed mine exclusively for a year and I have to tell you, I DID NOT enjoy it. I loved, loved, loved! nursing all 4 others but the twins...UGH. I did it, yeah, but I'm just saying - sanity is important and you have to let yourself breath and know you are doing the best you can because YOU ARE! If you ever want to vent or ask or cry or whatever my email address is feel free to use it!


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