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Monday, January 12, 2009

ugh

Dear Journal,

It wasn't until I was diagnosed with post-partum depression after Bun was born, that I realized I must've had it after Gabbers too.

Maybe I'm thinking about this all because the glimmer and glitter of the holiday season is behind us, and there's still several feet of snow, but I think I'm depressed. And I think I have been for at least the month of December.

Last night I cried and cried because I feel like a failure as a mother, as a sister, as a friend, as a visiting teacher, and as a primary chorister. I feel like I've let everyone down. We missed church nearly the entire month of December due to sick kids and half of November. Last minute nearly EVERY Sunday, I've called my sweet friend Jill and asked her to pick up the sacrament bread to get it to church on time. She always does and so kindly.

I only had one sister to visit teach the month of December- and I didn't get around to it. I had a message and a gift for her- and I just never called.

My kids are acting whacko because they need more attention, structure, routine, family scripture, etc. At least we're still having family prayer.

When Danny's grandma passed away last week, I cried for about an hour straight. I felt so guilty that I didn't say good-bye. I didn't even make a call in time. Today is her funeral, and I'm 1000 miles away.

I haven't taken the Christmas tree down. I don't know if it's laziness, business, or just because I don't want to let go of a season I didn't really enjoy.

I am sad Journal. Why do you only get these kind of entries?

Nikki

9 comments:

Tiffany Chamblee Funn said...

Ok friend. It's time to get happy! I'm sorry you had such a hard time lately. But there is hope! It's a new year full of possibilities of wonderful things to happen. We all feel like failures sometimes. Just remember that. Your loved! Even if you didn't do your VT. You do what you can do and tomorrows a new day. Don't beat yourself up! I bet besides being sick, your kids had a wonderful december. That makes you a complete success!

Rach said...

I think I have those days everyweek!! But I think you are a wonderful person! A great example to me on creativity, spiritual strength, mom, and more. I'm sure your sisters that you teach have never had a better VT (visiting teacher, not veggie tale!) And I wish I still had my Christmas Tree up, the season passed way to fast. But most of all, we all love you.

Leslie said...

Well, I know for sure you are not a failure as a sister (nor the other things, too)! (you & Erin & Rachel are the best sisters and friends ever) I know whenever I'm having a hard time I can always call or email one of you and talk and feel better. One of your skills in particular has always been a listening ear. That's one of the reasons I called you this morning after dropping the girls off (even before seeing your blog) - because I knew I'd feel better after talking to you (seeing as I've been feeling a little down myself) and hopefully you felt a little better, too.

So my advice to you:
Don't feel a bit of guilt about a tree. The kids probably love that it's still up and it's just a tree, so it doesn't mind staying up itself. When you have time to take it down, that will be the perfect time. Until then, don't give it a second thought.

Don't stress about vt. We'd all like to be perfect vt's but I think everyone knows how crazy December can be and aren't going to think you are bad that you missed it. My vt's didn't come see me in Dec. and it doesn't bother me at all cause I know they are busy moms, too.

Kids are crazy in the winter - they just are. So just try and get through one day at a time. I know I've struggled with feeling like a terrible mom, too. So my goal this year is just try and get through a day at a time (sometimes hour by hour) and just to try and smile more than yell. And it helps a little when I try and tell myself that kids are a blessing and I love them and should be happy I have at least three (even when there is shrill screaming from a certain 3 year old in the background as I chant my mantra, lol).

And seeing as how you made it alive through to a new year even with all the sickness and cooped up kids, you are doing great! Every day is a new day and we're all in this together!

Smockity Frocks said...

Nikki, I'm so sorry you are feeling this way! I wish I could give you a big hug and a cup of hot cocoa and turn your frown upside down. I am praying for you, friend.

Neighbor Jane Payne said...

I'm thinking of you Nikki and all that you carry. Some years are awful heavy....here's a reminder to you not to try and carry it by yourself.

Love,
Jane

Susan said...

Dearest Nikki,

Oh my, everyone has these days, months, years. I've had a few of those myself and am fighting through the end (hopefully) of my high anxiety attacks, and now in the middle of my seasonal affective disorder. Winter is just a hard time. Do what you can, turn on all your lights and make it really bright in your house! (I know it cost money, but your mental health is worth the cost!) Try to do just one thing every day that needs to get done and rejoice in getting that one thing done! Don't think about the one hundred other things. You and I both know that they will still be there the next day, so don't sweat it. You'll make it! Don't be hard on yourself! You are awesome and someday it will all make sense again.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Love, Susan

A. said...

Oh Nikki - I don't think there is a single mother out there that doesn't feel like a failure from time to time. And I know from my experience, that you have been an inspiration to me in many ways, even beyond parenting.

I really have no advice in the way of depression, but I would say to take the time you need to be sad, and cry. We all need our releases. Then move forward. There is always tomorrow to "Try again". Praise the Lord of second chances!

You're in my prayers today!

Pop said...

Ok, recognizing the symtoms and admitting the diagnosis is probably the beginning to a healthy outlook. You've got that displaced isolated AF family syndrome/down in the dumps feeling, that can only be healed from within. The cure is not bags of M&Ms (that has been tried and proven to be only temporary relief of DIAFS), of an infusion of LaVell's Vanilla ice cream with magic shell (this is only a good excuse to go to the creamery on 9th), or even the dreaded shopping spree (not a good idea during times of economic instability), but a sure proven picker upper (not drug induced) should be the sunshine. It has been noted by Dr. Mom (yours) that going someplace in the sun and warm is good medicine. Since your region doesn't thaw out till sometime in May, you guys should consider a R&R for the whole family. So why not use some of that AF accured leave and take a trip to the warm. Another option is asking for a Phd.(word abbreviated) blessing from Dan.
Well, it was a beautiful funeral service today, a family service, and I might emphasize that their family was well represented, even though you guys are far away. No shame in that, and I know you guys were there is spirit. I know the rest of the family felt your support.
As your mom would say about my comments, "typical male, only knows how to fix things than just listening." That's partly right but the other is that as a parent, we are always concerned about our family's health and welfare. That doesn't go away.
If you guys could dig your way out of the snow, you're welcome to come visit us. We love you all.

Julie V. said...

Oh, Sweetie...my comments are late because of the funeral and the aftermath, I haven't even thought about checking blogs...I love everyone's thoughts and encouragement...especially "Pops" and Leslie. Don't ever forget that you are awesome and it's perfectly normal to be feeling down when buried in eight feet of frozen tundra, not to mention the very few hours of actual daylight you guys get at this time of year. There is nothing wrong with being slow to take down the Christmas decor...I'm still trying to get mine all packed away and just last night the Elders quorum actually stopped by and volunteered to take down our outdoor Christmas lights for us (a little embarrassing that the lights were still up!). I always have a little (OK, BIG) let down after Christmas. And then the whole nation puts pressure on us to make New Year's goals which tend to force me to look at all my faults and see if I can try again to do better. I'm rambling, but I guess my point is that I hope you won't be too hard on yourself. You are an awesome Mom. Take time to enjoy your little ones and pat yourself on the back for the things you do accomplish. We all love you!

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